Since I was a child I believed in God and going to heaven when we die. I remember going to church as a child and I developed a relationship with God. I went on to be saved a few times and baptized twice. I thought I had a real relationship with God.
I was a believer, holy roller, evangelist, and a Jesus freak until a couple of years ago. I finally saw that my questions weren’t being answered not because it was God’s supposed will but because what I believed in is something I wanted to believe in, and needed to believe in. Now I see that I don’t need God. My life is the same without him….better actually. I don’t feel constant guilt I experience freedom.
Since my recent disconnect with religion I have had a hard time with death. I know that it is inevitable, but I hate that it is going to happen not only to me but my loved ones as well. I hate that I have no control over it. I hate that there is probably nothing after life and it is just a black blank nothing…we just cease to exist.
I hate this! It haunts me. I think about it daily.
It is something I am FORCED to accept. It is the one thing that will inevitably happen, it is just a matter of when and how. I hate that I cannot change this, I cannot just tell myself I am being a hypochondriac. I will die…it is the one thing that will happen to every single person on this earth. It is the one thing everything has in common…humans, animals, plants, organisms…all die.
I cannot fathom ceasing to exist or my loved ones ceasing to exist. This scares me in a way I have never felt. It is very deep. A fear I fear I cannot conquer. How can I face a fear that is not a fear at all…it is a certain reality. I often wish it were a mere thought I could wish away like the fear of getting cancer or being bitten by a shark…possible but not a guarantee. Death is however a guarantee.
I FUCKING HATE not being able to change that! I think the older I get the worse my fear will get.
I understand that it is impossible for us to all live forever…the earth would not be able to hold everyone. The rational thing is to live and die. However, if we all lived forever we would figure out ways to survive.
Every day I fear a call about someone dying. Every day I fear I will die. Every day I fear someone I love will die. Every day I fear death.
I will not believe in a religion to subside my fear. It did work for many years. I had this fear as a child but believing in heaven suppressed my fear. Then I opened my eyes and not only am I pissed about being lied to but I am pissed I was so naive. I would much rather live with my fear than believe in a fairy tale.